How many of you are into sports? How many of you attempt said sports on your own time and imagine you’re on the big field with fans chanting your name? You reach back, going for the big goal, knowing this is your big moment!
And you look majestic as fuck. Thank God someone was there to capture this image of you in your moment of glory. Let that belly hang free and flap in the wind, you gloriously, awkward champ! Don’t forget to put some baby powder in the creases when you get home. Chafing is nobody’s friend.
*The quote from the title of this crude post comes from the greatly missed Mitch Hedberg
When someone in or around your family hates you or annoys the living shit out of you, there is very little you can do unless you feel like putting in serious jail time or being ex-communicated from the rest of your family, which depending on your family, you may very well want to do.
Instead, here are some sure-fire ways to ensure these people leave you alone for good.
Warning: don’t try this at home unless you’re over 18.
When you can’t handle your father in-law’s droning or your own mother’s cackle, proceed to commit yourself to a mental institution. No one will visit you there…not even your husband or wife. The food isn’t great, and I’m not sure you will have much time for conjugal visits if he or she does come, but you will get good drugs and space from people you don’t like. Hell…
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Minnesota passed marriage equality yesterday. Technically yesterday, but I haven’t gone to bed yet. That’s all very well and good for Minnesota. Everyone can go off into the rainbow-hued sunset and live happily ever after! Except the ones who can’t, but who cares?
That’s the question: Why doesn’t anybody care about all the other queer issues? Why is it all about the f***ing rainbow-dyed wedding cakes?
That’s why. Marriage equality is “the pretty one.” The socially acceptable one. The middle-to-upper-class one. (Remember, in Pygmalion, how Eliza Doolittle’s father expounds about “middle-class morality” like marriage being a luxury?) The cute-culture happy feels one.
It’s the one that sells witty slogans. It’s the one that means money for bridal shops and bakeries. It’s the exotic valentine’s day candy that takes the internet by storm. (Seen the red equals sign with Daleks, the most hateful creatures in the universe, saying “Exterminate…
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